As we get closer and closer to the day of celebration. Well, for some anyway. And I’m still watching these Christmas movies. So here is the next eight.

A Christmas Horror Story

I don’t mind bad movies. They are fun to riff on, so there is enjoyment to be had. And good movies are the joy that lubes the wheels of life. But it’s the movies that are full of missed opportunities that are my greatest disappointment as a film geek. Like today’s film, the 2015 Canadian ‘sort of’ anthology film A Christmas Horror Story.

This is a film made up of four stories. The first is a tale of three friends who gain access to the school after hours on Christmas Eve to make a documentary for class about the double unsolved murder that took place there the previous year and are terrorised by ghosts of abused girls at the hands of nuns. The second is a story about a young couple whose son is replaced by a Changeling when they go on a property to cut down a tree for Christmas. The third is about a family, who while traveling to see their rich aunt, run afoul of the Christmas demon Krampus. And the fourth is about Santa Claus battling a horde of zombie elves in his workshop. All with the wrap-around segments concerning a radio host (played by William Shatner) talking to the residents of Bailey Downs where most of the stories take place.

The things with this film, instead of presenting the four stories separately, they are inter-cut together like a traditional narrative. This has the effect of sucking any tension and atmosphere out of the film and weakening the ending of each segment. And the wrap-arounds are wasted, as is Shatner.

I can’t say I hate this film, but I don’t love it either. There is a good movie there. Hell, I think there are several good films here. Each one of these stories could have been expanded to a feature quite well. Especially Santa versus zombie elves. And even the final showdown between Krampus and Santa, which could have been epic, is drowned in the river by a stringer that alternately makes the whole exercise pointless.

The highlight is George Buza as Santa. As well as the costumes and makeup effects. You might get some enjoyment out of it. Unfortunately, I did not.

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.

When I was younger, I loved this film. I rented it from the video store and watched it every Christmas season all through high school. I have so many fond memories of watching this film with friends, and cracking up all over each other. Seriously, the clean-up was messy.

But as I got older, I watched this film less and less, and until I sat down to watch it two days ago (at time of writing) I hadn’t seen it in 20 years. I so wanted to relive the old times, but something was different. I was not the same person who first found this comedy. And I found myself not as engaged as I once was.

The story is Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase) wants to spend Christmas Vacation at home with all the family. Much to the dismay of his wife Ellen (Beverly D’Angelo) and kids Audrey and Rusty (Juliette Lewis & Johnny Galecki). Both sets of Grandparents also arrive, as does cousin Eddie (Randy Quaid) as his family.

And as usual the walking disaster area with a kind heart, Clark gets into all manner of mishaps, pratfalls and slapstick shenanigans.

This is in no way a bad movie. And it is unapologetically a Christmas movie. But now I find the characterisation of most of the characters poor, one dimensional and nonsensical. And for some reason that I haven’t figured out, that now bothers me. Me! Lover of the fart joke.

There are still laugh out loud moments here. The sled sequence still gets a belly laugh, as does the squirrel in the Christmas tree. And Chase’s delivery of every line of dialogue is pure gold matching whatever the scene needs.

The film was again written by John Hughes. He does have a good grasp on comedy but this is not his best work. The very next year he would create one of the best Christmas movies of all time, Home Alone.

But I must shout out to the music composed by the late Angelo Badalamenti which is top notch and better than this film deserves.

This film, which launched a thousand memes, is indeed a Christmas Classic. I just wish it still was for me.

Die Hard 2: Die Harder

In the world of franchises, if you talk about one, you must mention the others. But since we are talking about Christmas movies here, we can only talk about one other entry in the Die Hard franchise, that of the 1990 Renny Harlin directed sequel, Die Hard 2: Die Harder. And yes, it takes place at Christmas. Honestly, I thought that was a given at this point.

The backstory of this tale is that a dictator of a South American country has been overthrown and taken into custody. And is being extradited to the United States via an airplane. Little does anyone know that the dictator General Esperanza (Franco Nero) has hired American mercenaries led by the disgraced Colonel Stuart (Willian Sadler) to free him at the airport in Washington DC. And on Christmas Eve at Dulles International Airport, they take over the systems of the airport remotely and essentially take control of everyone in the airport and making hostages of the hundreds of people circling overhead waiting to land. And on one of those planes is Holly McClane (Bonnie Bedelia), who is flying into Dulles to meet her husband Officer John McClane.

McClane brings his smarts, badassery, and quips to the proceeding as he moves heaven and hell, and kills a lot of bad guys, to save his wife and everyone else on Christmas.

Other characters in this flick are jerk-off journalist Roger Thornberg (William Atherton), head of Airport Police And douche bag turned good Captain Carmine Lorenzo (Dennis Franz), engineer Barnes (Arte Evnas) and head of the airport Trudeau (Fred Dalton Thompson).

This film is full of all the same action and explosions as the first, only turned way the hell up. And everything as you would expect it. Hell, it was even more successful than the original. And it doesn’t disappoint. And everyone shines in their roles. The only weak spot here, compared to the other films in the franchise, is the villain. He may be capable and threatening, but he is not as fun to watch.

Check out the IMDb page and check out all the well-known names and the baddies. You will be surprised.

A good Christmas action film and a worthy sequel.

Home Alone.

While John Hughes wasn’t originally down for making National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, he was very interested in making another Christmas themed movie. And it all came about after Hughes was getting very ready to go on a family vacation and wrote a list of what he needed to take. But then a thought occurred to him, ‘What would happen if I accidently left my 8-year-old son home by himself?’ And one of the biggest Christmas films was born.

Home Alone is a 1990 Christmas comedy written and produced by John Hughes and directed by Chris Columbus and released through 20th Century. And if you haven’t seen this film, you’re dead to me.

The film centres around 8-year-old Kevin McAllister (Macaulay Culkin), who after an argument with his parents (John Heard & Catherine O’Hara) and the extended family, and following a string of mishaps, is accidently left home alone (title drop) when the family flies to France.

While left alone, Kevin has to figure out how to look after himself (cook, do laundry and shop). But this isn’t the only thing he has to master. Kevin’s house is the crown jewel for two thieves that have been targeting the neighbourhood, Harry and Marv (Joe Pesci & Daniel Stern), who call themselves the Wet Bandits.

After a few false starts, they figure out Kevin is home alone (title drop) and take action. This is the most fondly remembered part of the film as it basically turns into a live action Looney Tunes cartoon with Kevin as the Bugs or Roadrunner against Yosemite Sam and Wile E Coyote. True cinema gold and one of the reasons it is remembered to this day.

The heart of the film is with Kevin’s Mum Kate, moving heaven and hell to get back home to Kevin after realising he has been left behind, culminating in their reunion. Also, there is the relationship between Kevin and Old Man Marley (Roberts Blossom) who acts almost as a ghost of Christmas future for Kevin. They become friends, giving each other advice with Marley even saving Kevin. This element of perfectly seasonal sentimentally offsets the cartoonish violence, creating a wonderfully balanced Christmas treat, no matter your age.

Wait! John Williams did the score for this? Cool.

Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.

Home Alone was a massive success, over 12 weeks in theatres, earned a total of $476.7 million on a budget of $18 million, and was the most successful American comedy film until 2011. So, a sequel was inevitable. And in 1992 that is exactly what we got in Home Alone 2: Lost In New York.

This time, after another series of unfortunate events, instead of Kevin (Macaulay Culkin) getting on a plane with his family to vacation in Florida, he ends up on a plane headed to New York City. Once there he realised the mistake, and that he has a massive envelope of money his dad asks him to hold onto intended for the holiday. So, he does what any overly intelligent kid would do, cons his way into staying at the Plaza Hotel. Could happen.

As his parents (John Heard & Catherine O’Hara) try to track him down, Kevin leads the staff of the Plaza on a merry chase full of shenanigans. The most notable of these is the Concierge (Tim Curry in another scene stealing performance), the desk clerk (Dana Ivey), and the bellboy (Rob Schneider). But the Wet Bandits, now renamed the Sticky Bandits, Harry and Marv are out of prison and free in New York, and surprise surprise, run into Kevin. This leads to another Looney Tunes style slapstick showdown that is even more brutal and funny than the last. I think Daniel Stern and Joe Pesci’s reactions are even more entertaining here too as they once again get their asses handed to them by a 10-year-old.

This film is almost the same story as before. All the cast from the original returns, and has all the same story and comedy beats. It even has a new take on the Old Man Marley character in the Bird Lady (Brenda Fricker), a homeless woman living with her birds in Central Park who Kevin is scared of at first, but becomes a friend and saves the day at the end.

Writer/producer John Hughes is back, as is the director, Chris Columbus. Hell, even John Williams returns to do the score.

I don’t know if it’s just me, but I prefer this to the original.

Deadly Games

What if I were to tell you that Home Alone wasn’t the first Christmas film where a kid defended his home from an outside force. But in a very different genre. Well, oddly enough, this is true.

The 1989 French film Deadly Games is a Christmas themed action/thriller written and directed by René Manzor.

A child prodigy Thomas (Alain Lalanne), who loves computers, inventing and action films, is left alone with his ailing grandfather (Louis Ducreux) on Christmas Eve in the giant family home while his CEO mother is working in the city.

In the city, a drunk homeless man, Le Père Noël (Patrick Floersheim) gets a job as a store Santa Claus, but isw fired by Thomas’ mother for hitting a child. Instead of handing in his suit, he journeys to the ex-employer’s home to terrorise her son, who he has been stalking online, as a form of revenge. And anyone who gets in the way of this unhinged Santa is killed to fulfill a twisted fantasy.

And after the alarm is raised, Thomas’ mother moves heaven and hell to save her son all the while Thomas is using his skills, intelligence, plus the hidden rooms in his house, to hide and then fight this intruder to save himself and his grandpa.

This film, at times, borders on a horror home invasion film. The situation and the film’s tension holds you by the lapels and doesn’t let go. Alain Lalanne is such a believable kid genius with a kind heart who saves the day and his family for the killer. Seriously, this kid could have had an action franchise centred around him.

Floersheim’s performance as Noël is as chilling as it is tragic, as the already fractured man breaks even further with devastating consciences.  

It does riff on action films before the threat arrives, and a little in the climax, but it is the addition of the horror movies elements from films like Silent Night, Deadly Night and Christmas Evil that ratchet the events up. Especially since the main character still believes in Santa Claus.

This film is available on Shudder. It was also released under the titles 3615 code Père Noël, Game Over, and Hide and Freak.

Trancers.

Like other genre films that are in the pantheon of alternative Christmas movies, this 1984 sci-fi action thriller is a stellar entry. But it is rarely talked about. Shame, because I think this movie rocks.

Trancers (originally titled Future Cop and released under that name in many regions), was directed by Charles Band, for his production company, and written by Danny Bilson and Paul De Meo. This sci-fi gem stars character actor and cult movie icon Tim Thomerson as future cop Jack Deth (pronounced ‘Death’). And with a name like that, you know he is a badass.

He has been hunting down a criminal named Martin Whistler (Michael Stefani) who has been using psychic powers to turn people into zombie-like creatures called trancers to carry out his orders. Thinking he has destroyed all the trancers and with Whistler disappeared, Jack retires. Only then to be called into action again by Captain McNulty (Art LaFleur), who tells him that Whistler has used a machine to send his consciousness back in time into the body of one of his ancestors to kill the ancestors of the governing council. So, armed with some high-tech gadgets, Jack’s consciousness travels into the past to stop the criminal, and into the body of his ancestor Phil Deth.

The year is 1984. It’s Christmas time. And with the help of Phil’s punk rock girlfriend Leena (Helen Hunt), kills some trancers, saves the last of the counsel’s ancestors in Hal Ashby (Biff Manard) and stops Whistler.

This is simplifying the story a great deal, because there is so much going on in this film. Band’s direction is good, Thomerson and Hunt are on top form and seemed to be having a lot of fun with their roles. The action and sci-fi elements are handled better than you would expect from a film with such a small budget. But this film is a cult classic that spawned a franchise of likewise cult classics.

The scene with the watch that slows time and the fight scene in a crowded mall with a trancer Santa Claus are the film’s highlights. As is the dialogue.

If you haven’t seen this classic of 80s cinema, put it on your list. It’s available to stream on Tubi.

Gremlins.

I love this movie from top to bottom. Loved it as a kid (even though it scared the shit out of me on first viewing) and I love it now.

I mean, look at the artisans. Produced by Steven Spielberg, written by Chris Columbus and directed by the great Joe Dante. It creates a unique little cinematic world all its own that blends the traditional heartfelt Christmas movie with a horror monster invasion movie and manages to keep the PG rating intact with a light feel throughout with a little Looney Tunes violence.

Anyway, the story starts with Randall Peltzer (Hoyt Axton), an inventor on a business trip. On his journeys he comes across a little Chinese antique store where he comes across the Mogwai, a mysterious and adorable creature. After being turned down to buy it from the old man running the store, his grandson sells it to Randall a while later.

Returning home, he gives the mogwai to his son Bill (Zach Galligan) as a Christmas gift. Young Billy has a kind heart and is an aspiring artist who has a crush on his co-worker Kate (Phoebe Cates). But Mogwai ownership comes with three rules: 1) Never expose them to bright light, especially daylight. 2) Never get it wet, and 3) Never, ever feed after midnight. After little Gizmo accidentally gets wet, he multiplies. These new Mogwais are mean spirited and sneaky. And after they sabotage Billy’s clock radio, they get fed after midnight, leading them to hatch as evil green skinned Gremlins. And these green terrors multiply and slowly take over the town with only Billy, Kate and Gizmo to save the day.

The comedy here is what elevates the film. As are the actual onscreen human deaths. It is a wonderful mix. The obvious backlot and the use of lighting and Jerry Goldsmith’s amazing score turn a simple B-movie into a timeless classic that was made to parody monster films of the 1950s.

And watch out for the amazing cameos. Steven Spielberg, Jerry Goldsmith, Jim McKrell, William Scarlett, Kenneth Tobey, a pre-Breaking Bad Jonathon Banks and the late great animation legend Charles M. “Chuck” Jones. Also, Robbie the Robot from Forbidden Planet. Cool, Huh?

I watch this film every year. Always will.