Hello there, peoples. Here is the first collection of my mini reviews for Christmas movies. Like what I did with Halloween, I’m watching one Christmas themes movie every day and writing a small review. Something bite-size that hopefully may inspire you to watch some of this oddball flicks. Hope you enjoy.

Lethal Weapon

First up for Christmas movies this year is a seasonal action movie that gets left out of the alternative holiday movies lists a lot. The 1987 Richard Donner directed action classic, Lethal Weapon.

This film, written by Shane Black (who has a strange fascination with setting his stories at Christmas) and tells the story of veteran homicide detective Roger Murtaugh (Danny Glover) who is close to retirement, working a case of a murdered girl who happens to be the daughter of his old war buddy Michael Hunsaker (the great Tom Atkins). He is also breaking in a new partner in the strung out and suicidal Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson in the role that cemented his worldwide stardom).

The investigation leads them to a group of ex-military mercenaries who smuggle heroin with Hunsaker’s help. Not being able to discount information Hunsaker told them, Rigg and Murtaugh and Murtaugh’s family, are put into the bad guy’s cross hairs. And many fights, shoot outs and explosions ensue. Oh, and it’s set at Christmas. In case you were wondering.

This film is a certified 80’s classic. The fashion and hairstyles alone should tell you that. It an action film with the hardcore violence, the humour which is now a staple of the buddy cop genre, and wrapped up in themes of redemption and family.

The leader of the villainous drug smugglers is played with great relish by veteran character actor Mitchel Ryan. He plays The General well enough but it’s his second in command Mr Joshua (Gary Busey) that is the main obstacle for our heroes. He is loyal to The General and is portrayed with menacing, and occasionally unhinged, zeal by Busey.

The chemistry of the two leads is on point and works well together. Their working relationship, and with that of the director Richard Donner seems natural. Like they had known each other for years. Which is probably why they returned to the universe they created three more times. And the cast of returning characters (family) grew with each installment.

This deserves its place in the 80s/cult classic list, and a must around Christmas if you are trying to avoid the more sentimental Hallmark style Christmas movies.

The Guardians of the Galaxy: Holiday Special

This is the second of the Disney+ Marvel Special Presentations, and ‘Wow’ is this fun. I am always keen as mustard (anyone else think that is a weird saying) to see the Guardians in anything. So, I was like “Hell Yeah”.

The story centres around Drax and Mantis (Dave Bautista & Pom Klementieff) wanting to do something for Star Lord (Chris Pratt) on the Earth holiday of Christmas. And after a story that Kraglin (Sean Gunn) tells Mantis about how Yondu (Michael Rooker) ruined Christmas for Peter as a child, the two set out to get him the best Christmas gift of all time. That being the mighty warrior, Kevin Bacon. So, they travel to Earth to acquire/kidnap Mr Bacon, not knowing he is an actor.

There are elements of the fish out of water as Drax and Mantis have little to no knowledge of Earth at all except for the brief stories told to them by Star Lord. This is demonstrated upfront when an alien band (played by the Old 97’s) mastering Earth instruments and writing the funniest Christmas song ever.

Mantis and Drax bumbling around to find KB is hilarious. They make money posing for photographs, get drunk and dance at a bar, before getting the information from a celebrity’s home’s tourist map.

Kevin Bacon is so much fun here too, playing an everyman version of himself who is scared of our two do-gooders, and even better when Mantis uses her powers on him to become compliant.

Back at Nowhere, the town is decked out with mountains of Christmas decorations, Bacon is delivered and even sings a Christmas song with the alien band. But his best gift is something very different. That I will not spoil. Sorry.

This film really drives home that this band of misfits is a family and do care about each other. The atmosphere is light and fun, and a little irreverent. And all the characters get a chance to shine. And the soundtrack is amazing for a Christmas movie, but would you expect anything less from James Gunn. And the small animated sequences bring back nostalgia for the Star Wars Holiday Special from the early 80s. For better or worse. This is well worth a look.

Silent Night, Deadly Night

This Christmas Slasher movie from 1984 has a controversial past. Nothing in the way of behind the scene scandals or ultra-disturbing content. The controversy came about when parents’ groups with nothing better to do started to boycott and protest this film upon its release. What they objected to was the advertising campaigns depicting what they saw as a killer Santa Claus. The image was so offensive to them and they feared the damage done to the children. Children who did watch the film because it was R Rated, and was not made for them. And it’s a controversy that could have been quelled by a parent/child conversation. If it ever came up at all. I could go on, but I won’t.

This film centres around a young boy Billy, who as a young boy saw his parents murdered and his mother raped by a thief and murderer dressed as Santa. And as you would expect, this trauma damaged Billy for life. Billy and his baby brother Ricky grew up in an orphanage run by abusive nuns led by the Mother Superior (Lilyan Chauvia) , the films ‘true’ villain. A troubled kid being raised in the place was not great, worse around Christmas. Only Sister Margaret (Gilmer McCormid) was kind and caring to him.  

And it’s Sister Margaret that, on his 18th birthday, got Billy a job at a local toy store (Billy now played by the hulking Robert Brian Wilson). And everything is perfect until, when the store loses its Santa, Billy is forced into doing it. His past traumas cause a mental break, and Billy kills anyone deemed to be naughty, in increasingly violent and creative ways, all the while dressed as jolly St. Nick.

Regardless of the controversy, this film has become a horror classic, especially around the festive season. The imagery on display, from the production design, to the cinematography, to the creative kills, are memorable and serve this tragic story well. The acting is hit and miss, like you would expect from a horror production of the era, but the story is excellent.

With more of a budget and some established actors, this movie could have risen above its ‘cult’ label, and become greater than its parts.

Definitely worth your time.

Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2

After the impact, and later success thanks largely to VHS rentals, Silent Night, Deadly Night became a franchise. It now boasts five films and a gory remake. But the franchise proper started with the first sequel in 1987 with the inventively titled Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2.

This film is told by adult Ricky (Eric Freeman), the brother of Billy from the first film, as he recounts his story to a police psychiatrist about how he became a killer like his infamous bro. And like his brother, the path leads to the Mother Superior.

There is not much else to this story to mention. This movie works kinda ridiculous and acts like a ‘clip show’ for a sitcom. Almost half the running time is footage from the previous film as Ricky tells his story. Some of which the character was a new born baby, so buggered if I know how he remembered those events.

And what little ‘original’ story there is here, really doesn’t make all that much sense. It’s like the story, narration and flashbacks are a framing device for new scenes dreamed up that didn’t have any place in a narrative all its own.

The news kills in the film aren’t even that memorable, relying mainly on the footage from the first film to do the heavy lifting. The only bright spark in this lazy shitshow is the absolute batshit bonkers performance of Eric Freeman. Seriously, his delivery and facial expressions are unique to say the least. I mean, cartoon characters don’t emote like this guy. It’s Freeman that makes this movie and, for me at least, is the only reason this film has become a cult classic on the same level as its predecessor. One performance seems to cancel out many flaws in the film.

And the most infamous scene has even become a meme. If you don’t watch this movie, at least watch this scene. Type ‘silent night deadly night 2 garbage day scene’ into YouTube and enjoy.

For those casual viewers, best skip this film. This is a film purely for completionists and horror hounds.

It’s not even that Christmassy. 

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.

This silly and sweet little movie is something I discovered in a 50 Packs of public domain Sci-Fi movies about 20 years ago. Yep, I’m that old. And it has had a place in my weird little heart ever since. The brief synopsis in IMDb pretty much sums up this Christmas oddity perfectly. “The Martians kidnap Santa Claus because there is nobody on Mars to give their children presents”. Would this make you watch it? If you’re anything like me the answer is YES.

The story goes like this. The children of Mars have been watching TV transmissions from Earth and they are a smash hit. But suddenly they became depressed over the Earth holiday of Christmas. Their parents are concerned.

So, after consulting a sour milk-smelling Yoda type that lives in a cave, they decide to kidnap Santa Claus to bring the meaning of this Christmas thing to the children of Mars. There is also a faction of the Martians who are against this.

Two human children are caught up in the action when they too are kidnapped when the Martians stop and ask them directions to ‘a’ Santa Claus. Kids and Santa are taken back to Mars, Santa seems to be an infectious good mood machine to the Martians (like slipping edibles into party snacks and not telling anybody). On Mars, Santa sets up a toy factory and prepares for the Christmas rush. He also stops an insurrection for the anti-Christmas faction. And everybody learns the true meaning of Christmas. Or something.

Honestly there is a lot more stuff in the film. Large doses of weird, and helping of wonderful, and a side of ‘Huh?’ But this film is fun.

It’s heartfelt, campy, full of overacting, and ridicules costumes and a robot that looks like it was made by a third-grade art class. This yuletide science fiction fantasy is goofy as hell and I love this slice of WTF.

And since this flick is in the public domain, you can watch the whole thing on YouTube or the film’s own Wikipedia page.

Merry Christmas. Now pass the Futuristic food pills.

On Her Majesty’s Secret Service

Why this movie? Well, for two reasons. Firstly, this is both my favourite James Bond film and features my favourite Bond, George Lazenby. Bond films have always been entertaining, good, not so good, and bad (I’m looking at you Moonraker), but this film has always been the most ‘Bond’ to me. And secondly, a large majority of this film takes place around Christmas. Honestly that part is a given. And if you don’t believe me, remember that a major plot point is the villain sending brainwashed girls home to their various countries with special wrapped Christmas gifts containing a secret item of much badness.

In this film, Bond meets the Contessa Teresa “Tracy” di Vicenzo (Diana Rigg). After a usual Bond meets girl encounter, Bond wakes up to a missing girl and is kidnapped by some thugs. Thugs work for Tracy’s father Marc-Ange Draco, the head of a crime syndicate. Bond agrees to romance Tracy in exchange for Draco helping him find Ernst Stavro Blofeld (played this time by Telly Savalas. Ah, the 60s.

With the help of the usual agents, Draco, and genealogist Sir Hilary Bray, they not only track down Blofeld, but arrange a cover for Bond to go into the allergy-research institute atop Piz Gloria in the Swiss Alps that Blofeld has step up. But the evil bald one is using the brainwashed girls at the institute to deliver bacteriological warfare agents throughout the world via those Christmas presents, I mentioned up top.

This film is full of thrills, amazing stunt work, fight scenes, car chases (Duh!), and one hell of a great climax. With a large helping of snow.

First time Bond director does a good job here, it’s a pity he didn’t direct anymore.

One thing I love about this film, apart from everything I just mentioned, is that Bond actually falls in love with Tracy. And at the end of the film, they get married. Until she is killed in a drive-by by Blofeld as they drive off to their honeymoon. It’s a nice piece of character vulnerability we wouldn’t see again until 2006’sCasino Royale.

Why not do something a little different this Christmas and watch a little Bond, James Bond.

Black Christmas (1974)

The original Black Christmas is a great film. Period. Original because there are two remakes. This little Canadian gem takes place around the silly season and is one of the best horror films ever created. While you can point to films like Psycho and Peeping Tom, and some Giallo films, as a beginning of the slasher film, it is Black Christmas that first used many of the troupes that are considered standards for the genre. I repeat, Black Christmas, a Canadian film from 1974, did it BEFORE Halloween.

The story is a simple one. The college girls and their house mother in their sorority house are enjoying festivities before leaving for Christmas break. Then they receive a trolling phone call from someone they call “The Moaner”. This has happened before. When one of the girls mocks him, he breaks his pervy character and says quite flatly, ‘I’m going to kill you’.

Shortly after the first girl is killed and the roaming POV stalks and kills the remaining girls and calls the house before each murder. He remains unseen throughout the film.

This is also a good character driven piece. Everyone gets a chance to show their chops and the backstories of the main characters are woven into the film instead of an exposition dump that won’t flush. Jess and Barb (Olivia Hussey and Margot Kidder) are the stand out amongst the girls.

There is even an interesting subplot concerning Jess wanting to get an abortion and her boyfriend Peter (Keir Dullea) flipping out. He is the films blatant red herring and the most date rape looking character in all of 70s cinema. And that is saying something.

The legendary John Saxon plays Lt. Ken Fuller. He seems to be the only cop that not only cares but is seen doing his job. He is outstanding.

Reginald H. Morris’ cinematography not only frames the tension well, but makes every image and camera move look like art. Bob Clark handled direction on this, who helmed another seasonal classic, with A Christmas Story. I think he was working through Christmas trauma on both films.

And it features the best ending of any slasher film of the 70s and 80s. Hands down. Watch and find out.

Anna and the Apocalypse

Do you want something completely out of left field to watch this Christmas? Something that has the seasonal sentimentally but also a good dose of cheeky and dark humour? How about some horror elements? Well, Have I got the movie for you?

2017s Anna and the Apocalypse is a Christmas, Comedy, Zombie Outbreak, Coming of age musical. And yes, you read that correctly. And this is freakin’ fun.

This British film is directed by John McPhail from a screenplay by Alan McDonald and Ryan McHenry, and ticks almost every box you can think of. Ella Hunt is Anna and lives in Scotland. She is still coming to terms with the loss of her mother and is at odds with her father (Mark Benton) who is also struggling with the loss and raising his daughter. She has the usual problems at school with rumours, bullies and authority figures. Her only bright spark is her friends Chris, Steph, Lisa and John (Christopher Leveaux, Sarah Swire, Marlie Siu and Malcom Cummings), the latter is her bestie who has a thing for her. As she prepares to finish school and leave, wouldn’t you know it, Zombies invade the small town. And at Christmas not less.

The comedy is on point throughout the film, especially the improvised Christmas themed weapons. The image of a teenage girl killing zombies with a massive decorative candy cane is priceless. Everyone from the actors, crew and the creators all knock it out of the park.

And the music is a treat for the ears. The tunes range from the throw away numbers, the catchy little earworms, sentimental ballads and rocking crowd pleasers. But, unlike other musicals, every song informs the characters emotions and motivations, or furthers the story. Or both. It is a surprising perfect balance. Especially in a film that flew under the radar.

And it does something that Disney hasn’t done right since the later 90s. Produces an amazing villain song with the “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Me Now” sung by comedian Paul Kaye, who plays the main antagonist in Vice Principal Arthur Savage.

My advice: Find this movie. Both head and heart with thank you. And if not, at least listen to the soundtrack. Merry Christmas, Zombie Killers.